A laborious task.

I was recently regaling a friend, who is expecting her first baby, with the story of my three pregnancies and three labours. I was trying to make it light and jovial as appose to what it actually is.

With two of my labours I had to be induced which I liken to telling Usain Bolt to run the 100 metres in 9 seconds in his slippers, having just eating a full English breakfast and having not worked out in 6 months. His body would be severely unprepared yet he could do it since that’s what he was created for. That’s how being induced felt. My body going from zero to hero in 60 seconds, yet I was created to do it.

With my kidney transplant they categorised me as ‘high risk’ which meant I was constantly monitored with extra scans, midwife appointments and given a date for induction. 35 weeks seemed to be a date everyone could agree on. The Midwife’s were happy with baby’s health and renal were happy with mine. Everyone was fairly sure kidney, baby and I wouldn’t fair well if they let me go longer. It’s one of those things, no-ones ever been able to live and tell the tale of a kidney transplant and going full term with a baby. I wasn’t thrilled about being a guinea pig so I surrendered to the medical professionals. 35 weeks it was.

With any ‘first’ experience you are always nervous and un sure of how the course of the day will turn out. If someone had told me the course of my day would involve various meetings being held in or around my vagina I may have called in sick that day.

With baby no.1 I was started off with various tampons and gels being inserted here there, then I had a lovely bath, a walk to the ducks and a bounce on the ball. I was told if nothing was doing in 48 hours they would mark me up and pull baby out of the sun roof – so to speak.

That’s when I called in the big guns. I vividly remember lying in bed asking God to break my waters. I really didn’t want to have a C-section and add another scar to the trophy case. Within seconds of my plea a sharp tug was felt and a release, much like a bath plug being unplugged. I was drenched. Swimming to the top of my bed I pulled the magical red cord that brought in an gang of midwives. I was lifted from my waters and placed on the toilet while they cleaned and made my bed again.

The next morning with still no baby they put me on the fondly named, ‘Go-Go juice’. This is the stuff that takes your body from woman to mother. From untrained rookie to gold medal winner in less than 5 hours.

Baby no.2 was helped by little more than a crochet hook to break my waters. The attending midwife didn’t believe me when I told her the contractions had started right away. I mean why would you? Yet there I was just two hours later jumping out of the supposed “calming bath” (it’s amazing what adrenaline can do, I’ve not jumped in years) that I looked at myself in the mirror all sweaty, red faced, hair and nipples sticking out at all angles, that I announced under smothered breath; “it’s coming”.

Behold a boy dropped into our lives. I waddled smugly back to my bed like John Wayne having lost his horse. With my boy wrapped safely in my arms I looked toward the unused midwife and machinery.

So impressed was the midwife with my labouring skills that she dangled the carrot of ‘birthing suite’ to me. In hindsight she may been rubbing salt into the womb as my notes and ‘high risk’ factors very much disallowed me into the heavenly suite of lovely labours, baths, double beds and low lighting.

By number three we were back to the machines and wires except the freshly anointed midwife forbid me sitting down lest gravity didn’t have its fair share of turns in getting this one out. After hours of swaying and bouncing to ‘Boogie Wonderland’ on repeat we went with the inducing ‘Go-Go’ juice. Sixteen hours and a professional finger wiggle here and there and number three was out.

The sweetest moment that I tried to encourage my friend with wasn’t the pink screaming ball of loveliness that is lumped into your arms after all of the drama, but the true reward given to any worthy untrained marathon runner; the NHS standard tea and toast.

After each of my babies had been born and the feeling of ten double decker buses reverse parking over my body had passed, I sat in a numb post-labour glow. It feels a bit like when the war is over and you’re waiting for the dust to settle. Sat there assessing the damage when an angel walks over to me, all golden rings and everything. She delivers unto me over-buttered toast and highly sugary tepid tea. Chomping down on the only solid matter I’ve had in 48 hours it is utter bliss. A smug sense of achievement falls over me as I look over at my husband holding my tiny premature baby. Of course the real work begins once the squishy love ball is born, any sucker can give birth but becoming a mother is a work of heart. Let the real fun begin!

Age-ed

You know you’re getting old when;

You find a grey hair in your eyebrows…

Finding grey hairs in the hairline is one thing … of which I have many, but finding a grey in the eyebrows is just insulting. I tend to perk mine up with a little colour if I’m going out but one blessed day I saw it. It was practically doing the Macarena in front of me. Gloating, showing off, making its presence known. It took me a good half hour to decapitate it but I know all I did was poke the bear.

You try and do a sexy dance for your husband and your hips click…

We had some good times, my hips and I. Mine don’t lie and they were reliable but one night … a few gins in, I tried my best Shakira moves to entice my beloved and all that was heard was click, click, click. It was like a Big Ben symphony and left us in fits of laughter not amor.

Nothing excites quite like an early night…

After half term and the whirlwind of seeing friends and going on adventures with my kids, the routine of ‘back to school’ meant silence from 7pm. I would potter, do the washing, the ironing but always keeping one eye on the clock. Once striking 9pm it would become a beacon for me, calling me in. I would become like the unseen – ugly version of Cinderella. My belly would turn into the size of a pumpkin. My face would grow long like a horse’s and I scurry upstairs to my bed like a little mouse.

I am well aware of the ageing process but I didn’t think I would begin to look so age-ed so soon! My soul feels like a spritely twenty-one year old. I remember my thirtieth birthday party like it was yesterday. I don’t recall giving my body permission to disown me like this. I feel like a love struck teenager in one of my day dreams, where I am being gently let down by a famous boy band member; “it’s not you it’s me”, except it’s reality and my body is letting me down.

I remember a time in my teens when I was dancing every day and my tummy was flat, my arms were tight and my bottom was behind me. These days, after three babies, my tummy looks more like a deflated bouncy castle. My arm skin has unrolled to reveal bat like wings. I nearly took my child’s eye out the other day with an extensive arm gesture! And my bottom, well don’t get me started, I noticed in the mirror it’s started making a break for it and is now slipping down into my thighs, if I’m not careful I won’t be able to bend next week. Best start working out again…I’ll go after this gin.

Medicinal

I have entered medical heaven.

I don’t suppose I regaled you with the woe-some tail of my previous GP surgery? Put it this way, a two-hour strong wait was not uncommon whether you were ailing with a common cold or an agitating heart condition. It wouldn’t matter if you limped in holding your foot you would still be asked a series of questions by nosy receptionists with zero medical training as to why your foot got severed from your leg.

Once in to to see a GP, they would be stressed, harassed and short of time. Lacking in any compassion they would already be signing a prescription for a truck load of antibiotics which you wouldn’t need since you were holding your severed foot in your hand.

Needless to say I have nothing pleasant to report about my previous GP surgery. I fear it’s not just me that has sad tales to tell of GP surgery’s like my old one. It’s a sad story to think of all the men and women once proud to hold their medical degrees, off to save the world one ailment at a time, that have now become slaves to a machine run by paper pushers and time keepers. (My personal view)

Skip back to last month.

I have driven past, my now doctors surgery, plenty of times. It reminded me of Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory; dark and foreboding on the outside yet filled with imaginable treats on the inside. It was only due to the pain of my previous surgery that pushed me to pass through the unsuspecting gates.

I registered my family and I and booked my first appointment. I learnt it was easier to get into drama school (which was really hard) than it was to reserve a doctors appointment at the previous surgery despite dropping words like – kidney transplant – consultant – serious – daily medication – life threatening… I may have added the last one for dramatic effect as nothing else was working.

I got an appointment at Mr.Wonka’s for the following morning. I nearly cried at the news. I was so stunned my face must have been a picture as the receptionist looked quite concerned, glanced over at the defibrillator kit and back to me. I thanked her, walked out and rang my husband to tell of the joyous news. I even insisted he get ill, which he never does, just so he could get a kick out of getting a same day or next day appointment.

The next morning as I walked into ‘The Willy Wonka doctors surgery’ nerves overtook me as I wondered, could this really be true? Had I suffered a kind of post traumatic episode that caused me to make up the events of the previous day?

I was not suffering, nor dreaming. I was welcomed in by a kindly, unassuming receptionist who knew who I was before I told her. My bottom barely grazed the faux leather covered sponge seat before I was called in for my appointment.

I carefully knocked on the only door available to me and poked my head around. An older gentlemen with a kind face sat behind a large desk he greeted me with such gusto I burst into the room in case he changed his mind. I told him my problems and he listened without judgement. He presented his diagnosis and gave me the option over whether I take antibiotics or another route, helping me understand that antibiotics aren’t the cure for everything.

I’ve since been back to explore the ‘other route’ and I met the only other doctor at the surgery, she works Tuesday’s and Thursday’s and she was really nice. I honestly had to stop myself saying ‘Wow’ when I walked in, she is stunning! I have since told my husband it’s not possible to get an appointment on a Tuesday or Thursday but thoroughly encouraged my single brother in law to attend on those days.

Did I mention they also have a nurse led ‘Chronic condition’ surgery? It’s designed for people such as myself to enter and get a full health check with a specialist nurse who is fully read on our conditions. I mean if that’s not a sign from the Lord that this surgery was meant for me, I don’t know what is!

The cherry that topped off this delightfully light and fluffy cake that contains all chocolate and no calories (because isn’t that the dream cake?) Was a child’s play house! It was all singing, all dancing and rammed full of toys for all ages. My children are often carted around with me when I go for my various consultations and blood appointments etc so to have toys they can play with is beyond Willy Wonka it’s absolute medical heaven!