You know you’re getting old when;

You find a grey hair in your eyebrows…

Finding grey hairs in the hairline is one thing … of which I have many, but finding a grey in the eyebrows is just insulting. I tend to perk mine up with a little colour if I’m going out but one blessed day I saw it. It was practically doing the Macarena in front of me. Gloating, showing off, making its presence known. It took me a good half hour to decapitate it but I know all I did was poke the bear.

You try and do a sexy dance for your husband and your hips click…

We had some good times, my hips and I. Mine don’t lie and they were reliable but one night … a few gins in, I tried my best Shakira moves to entice my beloved and all that was heard was click, click, click. It was like a Big Ben symphony and left us in fits of laughter not amor.

Nothing excites quite like an early night…

After half term and the whirlwind of seeing friends and going on adventures with my kids, the routine of ‘back to school’ meant silence from 7pm. I would potter, do the washing, the ironing but always keeping one eye on the clock. Once striking 9pm it would become a beacon for me, calling me in. I would become like the unseen – ugly version of Cinderella. My belly would turn into the size of a pumpkin. My face would grow long like a horse’s and I scurry upstairs to my bed like a little mouse.

I am well aware of the ageing process but I didn’t think I would begin to look so age-ed so soon! My soul feels like a spritely twenty-one year old. I remember my thirtieth birthday party like it was yesterday. I don’t recall giving my body permission to disown me like this. I feel like a love struck teenager in one of my day dreams, where I am being gently let down by a famous boy band member; “it’s not you it’s me”, except it’s reality and my body is letting me down.

I remember a time in my teens when I was dancing every day and my tummy was flat, my arms were tight and my bottom was behind me. These days, after three babies, my tummy looks more like a deflated bouncy castle. My arm skin has unrolled to reveal bat like wings. I nearly took my child’s eye out the other day with an extensive arm gesture! And my bottom, well don’t get me started, I noticed in the mirror it’s started making a break for it and is now slipping down into my thighs, if I’m not careful I won’t be able to bend next week. Best start working out again…I’ll go after this gin.

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